using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
technically true but not a great slogan
choose your fighter
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me