using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Pickled cat.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
boys are so easy to impress
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
sistine chapel
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*