using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face