Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one