Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.