Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

I just ran a .003048K

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.