Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

this country is so goddamn polarized

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious

Yup

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

ㅤ

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.