Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
