Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”