Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Glasses
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.