Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You Might Also Like
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
saving face 👀
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?