Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
You Might Also Like
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.