Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker