Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
For the orator and chef in all of us
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
