“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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the answer was staring at me all along
All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
client: i’m nervous
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
attorney: you said you were innocent
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.