@lilukhtiivert
@Playing_Dad
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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@Playing_Dad
@UncleDuke1969
the answer was staring at me all along
@Chicken_Hawk38
All i’m saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
@NickBossRoss
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
@wolfpupy
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
@OllyiConic
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
@TheAndrewNadeau
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
@titusbb
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don’t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.
@TJ_Whitehead
By my calculations, I’ve spent approximately $39 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen table
@charliedelta7
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.