Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it