Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.