Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them