Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.