Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.