Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

A couple who are silly together stay together.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not