Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people

When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.