Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here