@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

@MumsieEsq

Just blocked all users from Central & South America. I doubt this “Zika” virus can spread thru social media but why take the risk?

@krisv_723

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

@MsSkarsgaard

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you the first rule of Patronising Club, because you’re so smart, sweetie. *boops your nose

@thrillhicks

How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?

@DelanieFischer

Being an adult means assuming someone’s dead every time your parents call you at work.

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.