using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

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My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”


me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No


Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.


People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep


…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.


One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous


Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.


my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant


INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.


me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers