using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor: