@TweetPotato314

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

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@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@iwearaonesie

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@Ivsy01

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

@Delilah2141

People say you can be anything you want to be.

That’s bullshit because I really want to be asleep

@HousewifeOfHell

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

@E_lok44

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

@WotDLuck

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@ADHDeanASL

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers