Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.