Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
🤣😂🤣
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend