Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
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I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.