Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.