Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Discuss