FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes