Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired