Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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Tastes like chicken.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”