Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
beware of dog
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Who called it baking and not making love
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
