Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago