Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
🙂🙃🥹
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.