Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Just a phase…
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?
My husband:
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
what
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*