Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
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Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..