Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
🛁
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss