Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed