Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
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Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.