Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

Yes

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.