[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Hit me in the face with a bird
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator