[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…