Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god

he’s a little confused but he got the spirit

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”