Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.

Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses