[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
2022: I can fix it
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.