Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.