[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence