@Browtweaten

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

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@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@ZombieProblms

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@747boozybri

Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@1oftheKates

*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’

@fowlerism

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them