[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

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[Pizza falls on the ground]



-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.


I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.


Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.


Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.


me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits


My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.


*Opens Fortune Cookie*
‘We’ve updated our Privacy Policy’


SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them