[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Thrilling chase underway
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan