[Pizza falls on the ground]
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
You Might Also Like
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
just got my engagement photos
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*Opens Fortune Cookie*
How is twitter still free 😂😂
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them