Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
When I snag the last meatball.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.