Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase