Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By Kate Hatos

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names