Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

Harsh but true birthday card from my parents

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Lassie, get help!

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

🧠

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.