Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.