Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

an airline just for babies.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re