Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Friend: She really likes you.

Me: Oh yeah?

Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.

Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Me: Do your chores.

9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!

Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.

9: I didn’t know they would follow me.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵