[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!