[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”

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If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.


Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.



~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.


[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
ME (from beyond): 😁


May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean


I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.


Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.


I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.


If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.