[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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termite twitter scares me
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.