@nakedlaughing

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

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@Cunda22

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

@Luiki89

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

@WeissBrandon

YOU ARE GROUNDED!!!!

~ me, yelling hilarious shit at the beef in this grocery store.

@dave_cactus

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

@longwall26

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

@WHEREISWALTJNR

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@politicalmath

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

@hamspamtymaam

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.