[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.