Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

bias laundering edition

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.