Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.