Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
How dude HOW?!
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog