Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok