Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
crying
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.