Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell