Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
