Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“and how does that make you feel?”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay