Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Ironic

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.