Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

And now we wait

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.

*seasons greetings*

*eats greetings*

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.