Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Attacked by a mop.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.