Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Inside you there are two wolves

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should