Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

(during sex)

Her: Make me scream

Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Meow

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

I occasionally drink every single night.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

how it started vs how it ended

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.